Tuesday, March 15, 2011


Forgive me if this post is a little wiggy, I'm kind of punchy from lack of food. But more fun-filled characters from your favorite films and mine.

"M-O" in WALL-E

WALL-E: [M-O has finished cleaning a severely damaged WALL-E, who strains to give a handshake] WALL-E.
M-O: [M-O scrubs WALL-E's hand, then shakes it] M-O.
[M-O reverts to his box form]
WALL-E: [pause] M-O?
M-O: M-O.
WALL-E: [another pause] M-O.

M-O, the disgruntled, obsessive-compulsive neat-freak bot whose diminutive size barely contains his bubbling rage at everyone dirtying up his freshly cleaned floors. But he is tiny, and things are cuter in miniature. Go ahead, try it. Tiny elephant? Itty bitty furniture? Teensy weensy George Clooney? You see that I'm right.

"Officer Slater" (Bill Hader) and "Officer Michaels" (Seth Rogen) in Superbad

Fogell: What's it like to have a gun?
Officer Michaels: It's like having two cocks. If one of your cocks could kill someone.

We the public have a love/hate relationship with cops. Their service to a perilous, under-rewarded job is appreciated when say, the meth lab down the street goes tits up and there are strung-out psychos in the yard waving razor blades. But when that one dick cop pulls you over and gives you a $160 ticket for rolling through a stop sign at a deserted intersection at three in the morning, well. It's this odd dichotomy of reverence, authority, and dickitude that lends itself to hilarious hijinks in one of my favorite movies, Superbad. In a wild last hurrah for two high school buddies and a McLovin', these two officers make it the night of a lifetime. You should watch this movie, if for no other reason than to watch them all unloading shotguns and grenades into their totaled police cruiser.

Nick Frost as "PC Danny Butterman" in Hot Fuzz

Danny Butterman: So what made you want to become a policeman?
Nicholas Angel: Officer.
Danny Butterman: What made you want to become a policeman-officer?

Everyone has that one friend, the lovable, goofy dumbass. If you don't, you need to quickly go out and get one. He's loyal, always down for a pint or twelve after work, and has a fantastic collection of buddy-cop movies. He may not always be able to follow everything you say, but he'll nod and be incredibly supportive. Besides, who else would you want to fire your gun into the air with and go "AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH"?

Julie Brown as "Candy" in Earth Girls Are Easy

[from the song "'Cause I'm A Blonde"]
Candy: I just want to say that being chosen as this month's Miss August is like a compliment I'll remember for as long as I can. Right now I'm a freshman in my fourth year at UCLA, but my goal is to become a veterinarian, because I love children.

This was a hard choice between Julie and Michael McKean's "Woody," but she just so trashy fabulous, and the writer/singer of most of the fantastically Valley girl musical numbers, I couldn't deny her a spot. Yes, there's a weirdly sexy rubbery Jim Carey from his days on In Living Color and Jeff Goldblum at the height of his hotness, but Julie Brown's bubbly tits and canned margaritas MAKE that movie. And make me wish I was a nail specialist with themed outfits that matched my nails living it up in the Valley in 1988.

And a fantastic rack.

Dang, kids, that was a post I guess! Hang in there for the next set!

Monday, March 7, 2011

Why? I dunno, nothing better to do?

A while back Patton Oswalt, funny-man and hobbit, had a list of his hundred favorite movie moments. Of course, there are lots of obscure film-lovers kind of films on there, but the idea was intriguing. I tried to make my own list, and realized I was a consummate failure at all things planned and organized, so I thought maybe I'd take a different horse track altogether (but not really).

Instead of favorite movie moments, I thought I'd go with favorite movie characters, something I'm sure others have done, but I haven't, so put on some popcorn and take a walk down filmatic memory lane with me.

Peter Falk's "Grandpa" in The Princess Bride

The Grandson: A book?
Grandpa: That's right. When I was your age, television was called books. And this is a special book. It was the book my father used to read to me when I was sick, and I used to read it to your father. And today I'm gonna read it to you.
The Grandson: Has it got any sports in it?
The Grandpa: Are you kidding? Fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases, escapes, true love, miracles...
The Grandson: Doesn't sound too bad. I'll try to stay awake.
The Grandpa: Oh, well, thank you very much, very nice of you. Your vote of confidence is overwhelming.

Picking a favorite character from this movie is nearly impossible, because, let's face it, it's the perfect movie. I don't think I have yet to meet a person who's all, "Meh, I guess it was alright, you know, it's no Chronicles of Riddick," and if I did meet that person I would probably later be arrested for manslaughter.

But to choose one character out of all the fantastic, close-to-everyone's-heart, characters may be doing a disservice to the movie, BUT. I have always loved and been comforted by the Grandpa, the narrator of the story. He is how everyone wishes their grandpa was: salt and pepper moustache, fedora, tweed jacket, glasses. It would only have been maybe slightly more perfect if he'd been puffing on a pipe. His voice is soothing, sort of rumbly, softening the ending syllables like a kitten landing on a carpet. He gives the love story a certain sincerity that even the most cynical of us can't deny; it's his belief in the impossible tale of Wesley and Buttercup that gives their story credence.

Rik Mayall as "Drop Dead Fred" in Drop Dead Fred

Fred: You see when something's not working right, the best thing to do is tear it apart to make it better.

Thank god for Daniel Tosh for throwing out a Drop Dead Fred reference randomly on his show, and reminding me of one of my favorite movies of all time. This is probably where my secret love affair with gingers started, and the only reason why it also doesn't hold the genesis of my love of a British accent is because David Bowie got there first.

Why I love this character: This is how clever gross-out comedies SHOULD be done, but more often than not, aren't. TAKE A GODDAMN HINT, FARRELLY BROTHERS. A girl's childhood imaginary friend who loves snot and poo is locked up in a jack-in-the-box until she accidentally releases him years later as a neurotic, timid, low self-esteemed adult with a domineering mother and cheating husband. WACKY ANTICS ENSUE (including the sinking of a houseboat!). The silliness and grossness of Fred perfectly encapsulates how silly and gross we were as kids; I like to think I still uphold the tradition.

Also, this:

Natalie Dee knows what's up with this movie.

More to come, stick with me if you can. Also, comments, suggestions, bring 'em on.